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If, you really knew.

If you really knew me you’d know I have one person in this world that scares, delights, and makes my life miserable in just one glance. Now because this IS the internet I won’t be mentioning names. But this boy, and I do mean to say boy because i’m not quite sure he knew what he was doing. This all happened early in ym highschool career. It’s the very typical story of boy meets girl, or at least it starts off that way. Everything seems great the future looks bright and nobody thinks anything else of it. But the boy, unknowingly to the girl was messing with her head. Now I’ll stop typing in that manner. Everyday I would go to school wondering if the boy I called “mine” was going to think i was pretty enough to be with him. Very rarely did he if he ever did compliment me. And at about 15 or so you really rely a lot on the person who you say “I love you” to’s opinion. Or at least I did, and that might be my fault. But it was entirely about him in every way shape and form. I spent every moment thinking about what I could do to get him to smile, which he never did.He would complain alot about how I looked and told me the opinions of his sharp tounged friends. I was convinced I was fat, ugly, and stupid. All i could see were the negatives. Because that’s really all he ever told me, and I’m sure if you’d ask him he’d deny it. So I don’t think he knew what he was saying was doing so much damage. I spent so much time trying to be someone elses idea of perfect that I lost myself somewhere in the mix. And three years later I’m still trying to figure that out. But that’s, okay it’s going to be alright. And I know that, because now I know that I deserve better. Everyone does. Nobody deserves to feel like they’re walking on eggshells. That boy still frightens me to an extent and I KNOW he thinks I’m not pretty, and I don’t care. I’m done skipping meals, dying my hair, and double checking all my facts on things I casually say. I now have the strength to tell him to shut up. But in spite of all things, I forgive him. Because he was just a boy, who had no idea he’d hurt the girl. And there’s alot I’ve left unsaid, for my privacy and his. But maybe this will reach just ONE girl, and she will realize that she IS beautiful and that she deserves more. And hopefully, she won’t have to still be dealing with self-esteem issues three years down the road. Just remember; you are beautiful <3 and there is love and light in everything. Chin up smile onwards and thank you for reading.